I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
