So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
