Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
