tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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