note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
