So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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