Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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