his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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