Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
