Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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