I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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