I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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