epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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