hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
not ubering you a puppy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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