so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
