i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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