One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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