my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
