I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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