wakey wakey hands off snakey
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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