Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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