i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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