So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
