Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
