dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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