i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
