You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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