I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
