One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
