She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
