4 words: hood of his car
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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