I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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