Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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