Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
