absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
