So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
