whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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