I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize