You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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