Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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