Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
