he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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