some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Say something about gay babies.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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