The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
