this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize