I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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