I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Banned from zoo.
Again?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Randomize
