i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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