Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
