I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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