i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
