I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
