she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
