i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
