how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
