you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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