If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did I show you my penis last night?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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