Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
