Actions speak louder than pants.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
