my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Life is so much better after having sex.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
