Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
