They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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