If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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