Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
