i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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