Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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